It Was Her Choice, The Price of Motherhood Chapter 13

As I argued before, mothering is not a choice, rather it is a decision that has to be made. A choice involves the option of doing nothing, a decision is something that has to be made—the decisions to become a mother is not a choice. The lack of support from society on a systematic governmental level is detrimental to a democratic society that needs people to flourish in order to even operate. In effect mothers have been told, “If the people who opt to nurture and educate the next generation are systematically handicapped in the labor market, if they find it hard to make a decent living or get ahead without neglecting their child, why should we care? It's their choice.” But if raising children well is more important than running fast, and if female equality is important, the “it's their choice” argument is completely inadequate, (p. 234).

Mother's choices are not made in a vacuum, they are made in a world that women never made, according to rules they didn't write, (235). Consider how many moms cut back to part-time status at work after having a baby. With part-time status comes loss of wages, loss of benefits, loss of status, loss of promotion possibility, and the list goes on. I didn't make that “choice,” I didn't write it, did you?

To most women choice is all about bad options and difficult decisions: your child or your profession; taking on domestic chores or marital strife; a good night's sleep or time with your child; food on the table or your baby's safety; your right or your left. No wonder many mothers talk about “surrendering” to motherhood, as if it were a gigantic defeat that is better to accept than to fight, (237). I personally could not have foreseen the profound ways having my daughter would change me. She gave me such purpose and drive to live life not only for myself, but to model and pave the way for her and her children. How can I be all that I want to be, tell her she can do “whatever she puts her mind to” when it is all true, until she decides to have children. I don't feel comfortable living a lie, yet at the same time I hope to someday be a grandma. It is very clear as grand daughters of the feminist movement, we can't have it all.

Upon the various decisions a mother has to make, it becomes very easy to dichotomize and classify “other mothers” when I assume that those that are in a committed, married relationship, with “planned children” have it easy. “Women's whose sacrifices are mainly their self-esteem and equality in marriage are the “lucky ones.” What about the mothers who have no choice but to entrust their children to untrustworthy caretakers? Is it really their choice, or is it society's choice? (p. 237). No party involved is really all that “lucky,” but it is clear that women's children are given choices based marital status, or in relation to the men involved or not involved. A child cannot help how he/she is conceived, why are they the real victims in all of this? Why should child rearing have to be so undervalued, unappreciated, and punishable in so many ways?

Something needs to change.